Happy Singles Awareness Day everyone! You common people may know it by it’s vulgar name, “Valentine’s Day.” While in fact it is named after St Valentine, reasons lost to history indicate that it was just a massive and scandalous way to make single people feel unwanted and dejected. This tradition of pointing out one’s obvious singleness gradually evolved into the Hallmark holiday it is today, and now singles can rejoice! We now delight in seeing an ‘attached person’ buying compulsory flowers, spending money on mandatory expensive dinners, and, even better, the almost inevitable “I forgot to buy my wife/husband something!” look upon mention of today’s special meaning.

So, my dear attached friends, I wish you and your loved one a happy Valentine’s Day, and I pray that your bank accounts not run dry due to your silly obligations. Today truly is victory for singles around the world.